The Old Folks Way: The Worn Clothing

Folklores and some back story....on how I met the first love of my life. Whew!😅

According to my old folks, if you feel deep sadness brought by missing or longing for someone, you just have to collect the person's worn clothing and smell its natural scent. The natural aroma is perceived to have the power to create an illusion that the person is physically present beside you. It might seem weird but back in the day, I believed its effectiveness. 

Growing up, I was named as "Balay-Balayon" or someone who feels uneasy in other people's homes, preferring to be in my own house. Part of being an introvert, maybe. While my younger siblings had no problem sleeping over at our relatives' home, I, on the other hand, would cry all night until somebody took me back home, nevermind if it was in the middle of the night. It always happened during a sleepover. I just couldn't be away from home because I easily miss my parents. My designated sleeping spot was always next to my father, under his armpit. I knew he would leave the spot to lay next to my mother if I am confirmed asleep but making me sleep had to be like that or I wouldn't be able to sleep the entire night. This continued until my mid-teens when I had to leave home to attend college in the city. It was the start of a huge challenge!

Living in Guilt Through the Years

I still harbor the feeling of guilt towards my father's death. Mentally, I am still not stable. Self-condemnation and emotional anguish are putting my mental health to the test all through these years as I continue blaming myself.

I find it difficult to forgive myself for not giving him more attention while he was still alive. I turned to drinking to drown my sorrows, staying out late to party, and coming home drunk in an effort to heal the wounds left by losing touch with my husband. While I did all those useless activities to mend my own broken heart, I neglected to perceive my dad's own battles as he wrestled with misery following his separation from my mother. I was selfish to think only about myself.